


Pink Eye For The Dog Guy

by QuZuXuJu



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Drinking, Dubious Consent, Dubious Ethics, Dubious Morality, Excessive Drinking, F/M, Heavy Drinking, Self-Insert, oc-insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:01:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24428410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuZuXuJu/pseuds/QuZuXuJu
Summary: Two perverts collide into one body, the resulting Kakashi Hatake struggles against foreign urges all while facing another war.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Mitarashi Anko
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Pink Eye For The Dog Guy

"My first impression of you three is... disappointment that this is what my life has come to, teaching fangirls and pranksters. At least the broody one almost has the right mindset for a ninja, kill the bad guy whatever the cost." I nodded to the duck-haired boy even as I threw the chalk duster I caught at Naruto full on in the face who coughed up a storm at the spray of chalk dust. 

"Hn." Cool, he did the thing. 

"Hey, first off mean! Second off I'm twice the ninja Sauce-Gay is!" The annoying orange yelled. 

"Stop trying to be cool Naruto!"

"Die banshee die!" I yelled restraining myself just before stabbing a knife into the pink-haired girl's eye, the knife hovering over her wide pupil as I laid half atop her having tackled her to the ground. Acting embarrassed I got up and tried to ignore how nice that had felt- which made acting embarrassed easy given that I was. 

'Hope she didn't feel my erection... Eh, it's fine if she did, ninja are technically adults, when in Rome, right?' I told myself and almost believed it too.

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were a monster for a second there, you shouldn't scream so loud, people with sensitive ears _will_ eventually.. mistake you for an enemy." I said with an eye grin that was shared by the only real ninja in the room besides me. 

"Hn."

"Sorry, but if I killed her I'd have to pay for her and I'm broke." I lied, I just didn't want to pay for her, and yes that's how it worked for some ungodly reason- Jonin-Senseis were given way too much leeway. 

"Hn."

"Oh, if you're willing to pay then that changes everything!" I said in mock delight.

"Leave Sakura alone!"

"Oh, would you rather die first?"

"Hn, the Dobe might not be entirely useless for canon fodder, can we keep him?" A tinge of nervousness in him, a tightening of face muscles, wow, the Uchiha did have a heart!

"What did you say you bastard-" Naruto started not having noticed a thing beyond the surface.

"Does that mean I should kill him instead?" I offered to Naruto.

"What, no, of course not!" He shouted which I let slide.

"Okay, then all three of you pass the secret test of teamwork. I'd been planning a whole thing with two bells but this worked out even better without me having to waste time on all that."

"Wha, secret test? That's bullshit!"

"Naruto!" The girl immediately squeaked and looked at me white faced. I don't know why, maybe sharpening my kunai was interrupting her chain of thoughts? Too bad, "Sharp kunai are occasionally better than the somewhat dull ones that are the norm- sure they're more likely to break if used against another weapon or if you hit bone but they're also more likely to pierce deep into the heart of annoying fangirls and shrapnel in your enemy is almost always a good thing." I told them in explanation. 

"I don't want to die!" Sakura squeaked; apparently my explanation hadn't helped. 

"Oh, good, I wasn't sure given that as far as I can tell you're the real dead last. Sure, good test scores are nice... but in a fight they do jack shit if everyone else is stronger, faster and has more chakra, techniques and experience than you. Did you do literally any training besides what they force you to do in class?"

"Uh.. no, I.. I can't be the dead-last, Naruto-baka-"

"Maybe he's dead-last in class.. but with his... bloodlines of sorts he has more chakra than anyone in this village including the Hokage. I just have to teach him some jutsu that take tons of chakra and not a lot of chakra control (though I'll still teach that first since it reduces their cost and improves their power) and he'll be our heaviest hitter aside from the Hokage who really doesn't go out on missions anymore. Couple that with his mastery of stealth given that he can paint our monument in broad daylight wearing an unholy abomination of an orange jumper and-"

"Hey!"

"I was complimenting you.. mostly. Lose the jumpsuit- if you can't find someone willing to sell you real ninja clothing at decent prices use henge and be someone else. You'll triple your stealth effectiveness and stop blinding me, win-win."

"Triple? Wait, you're going to teach me super powerful jutsu? Yatta!"

"Yes and yes, remember, henge into someone else before shopping-"

"Hn!" I turned my attention to the emo, at least Naruto looked like he'd gotten it a mix of sad and happy on his face realizing that yes they were overcharging him but there's a solution.. one that's depressing as fuck. 

"That was the most disgruntled grunt I've heard in my life, and I've known a lot of your clan, and they hated me for reasons, I'm impressed. That doesn't help me figure out what the hell you're trying to say though, try using your words." I said cheerfully even as Naruto looked like his ramen got done, beyond ecstatic. 

"Hn, fine, if Naruto's so good _supposedly_ what are you going to teach _me_?" 

"No idea!" I admitted cheerfully.

"What!?" The Avenger yelled.

Heh, Naruto face-faulted, it was hilarious, without anime physics it probably hurt a lot too which made it even better.

"Well, frankly you're probably going to turn traitor the first time any missing-nin asks if you'd like a little power- your psych profile says as much thus teaching you would be counter productive, a liability. Missing-nin do like having underlings to do all the actual work and to sacrifice to delay hunter-nin so it won't even take long before one makes the offer. Of course becoming a missing-nin for power is stupid given that villages collect oodles of knowledge and jutsu (with enough instructions to not only do them but to do them well unlike a certain set of eyes) that missing-nins no longer have access to having to reinvent the wheel to make any progress at all but hey, easy power's a good draw for the gullible. Sure knowing this means you're probably less likely to become a traitor but ... there was a _lot_ of hate in that grunt from before.... Hmm.. I think I'll ' _happen_ ' upon a missing-nin trying to subvert you and get him to bribe me to ignore your disappearance, that way I'll at least profit off it, what do you think?" 

"You can't do that to Sasuke-kun!" The Pinkette yelled and my kunai 'slipped' pinning her to the wall by her dress.

"Eep!" The girl went shock still and.. was that pee? Damn, why do the weirdest fucking things have to turn me on?

"Whoops, you startled me with that shriek, don't do that." I scolded gently with a waggle of my finger before turning back to the dark haired boy torn between horror and outrage.

"Well, what do you say? I suppose the alternative is reporting me, but I'll just say I was trying to scare you straight and you're obviously distressed, lost in the past. It will even be the truth though I don't mind killing traitors, pretty common here. I can only see one other way out for you, a way that doesn't involve straight jackets or eventual death- our hunter-nin are very good at their jobs you see- counseling."

He looked absolutely horrified. 

"You can't- the council-"

"The civilian council has no control over ninja matters, and guess who just allowed you three to pass the hidden test and doesn't give a fuck about the civilian council?" I asked pondering with a chin scratch, "Oh right! This guy!" I said with two thumbs towards myself, in a 'delighted' voice that I remembered. 

"I.. Fine!" Sasuke spat out like a curse.

"Neat, maybe you won't turn traitor and die. Oh, and you two get to join him in therapy- separate sessions of course- you're obviously both suicidal given your lack of anything resembling training- yes you too Naruto, you only do the bare minimum pranks aside. This is non-negotiable of course and any objections, well, I'll just have to assume you're traitors and are trying to cripple our resources- namely yourselves." 

"That doesn't even make sense!" Naruto yelled and my sharpening stone beamed him in the head.

"Sorry, as I said before loud noises can startle me- I have sensitive ears." I half-lied, sure I had sensitive ears but there were techniques to dampen sound too and I used one before ever entering the classroom but that didn't mean I should encourage annoying habits.

Naruto was rubbing the rather big bump on his head and I had to remind himself he has a demon not to rush him to the hospital for a checkup- it was even a proven healing factor in his file.

"Now, I don't know about you three but all this team bonding has gotten me tired and-"

"Bonding? What bonding?" Naruto muttered with no little anger. 

"You all hate me I assume?" Three fierce nods and a Hn on top, delightful.

"Perfect, a common enemy unites a team better than anything. Don't worry, telling you that won't make it any less effective though.. or else." I eye-smiled with a small dose of killing intent, they shuddered. 

"We'll hate you forever, promise!" Naruto agreed at least.

The other two even nodded along, lovely!

"Alright, here, I jotted down your scheduled therapy sessions, training sessions, diet plans- yes Naruto, you can eat ramen... once a day at most, less if you want to actually grow past the midget stage. Sakura, if you don't eat more Sasuke will never love you because you'll die to a bandit before anyone can save you as you'll have no energy to do anything and we'll be too far away, how tragic. Oh, and mission sessions of course- that will be fun, and relaxation sessions- yes Sasuke, mandatory no-training sessions where you can't be asleep, I recommend a hobby like not being a short-sighted psychopath that will end his line by doing things out of order- get a woman pregnant before your revenge or your clan will probably die out incidentally. Oh, or maybe drawing, drawing's fun too. Schedules may change due to missions increasing in length in the future and of course other people having missions of their own." I said handing out the papers I'd written at the academy.

"Did.. did you plan all this in advance? Every.. everything?" Sakura asked seeming even more unnerved.

"That's a good question Sakura. Well, that's all for today, see you soon." I vanished in a puff of smoke.

* * *

Suddenly I remembered meeting my cute little team, what a fun day. I hadn't planned a bit of that beyond bypassing the test since my survival hinged on Naruto becoming a badass Ninja ASAP and it turned out shadow clones were far more impulsive than I'd thought; somehow Kakashi hadn't noticed using the things only on high-stakes missions where their death was expected.

I didn't regret any of it though, not even getting aroused by attacking Sakura. I'd had a lot of time to think about morals than my shadow clone had and I figured that I didn't care about them; God was clearly a dick given that he sent me here so what did I care what he thought about me? Fuck that guy, he's a jerk!

Of course I couldn't go absolutely crazy- the Hokage would only take so much of that before stomping on it hard but I hadn't even come within a mile of that line; for proof see his snake-faced student and Orochimaru's student too for that matter.

I paused in my training- Might Guy styled weight training to get back my dulled lazy-ass edge- in thought.

Anko... 

Maybe God's alright?

I was getting tired of training anyway.

* * *

My approach was less than carefully thought-out inspired by lust as it was. The cold shower didn't help all that much but I did refine the plan a tiny bit.

I knocked at the door, a deviation given we ninja's typically didn't believe in the things.

"What? There a mission Kakashi?" Anko said, her net-shirt barely hiding a thing, man those were huge and rather nicely shaped. 

She noticed me noticing and smirked.

"Oh, come to play with the big bad snake lady?"

"Maybe later, I'd like to take you out on a date first if that's alright?"

She froze and blinked it away looking unnaturally relaxed, "You're shitting me right?"

"Nope, I think I'd enjoy dating you."

"You... You're not gay?" She said to my shock.

"Huh? Gay? What the hell gave you that idea?" Seriously what the hell, Kakashi was straight as a razor!

"Oh, I don't know, maybe how you never went on a date in your life, and how you read smut in public to hide it?"

I.. Fucking hell, she's brutal. 

I don't mind this.. In fact I like it, my grin giving that away to her slightly widening eyes- my mask moving along with it enough for a real ninja to tell.

"I'm straight... I think I'm straight, anyway, maybe I'm a little bisexual and.. okay you've got a point I've not dated-" In this life anyway, and fuck telling anyone about my origins, not in ninja village! "-but that's mostly because my peers were still in school while I was killing my way through the Elemental Nations- the age gap is not as bad anymore. Oh, and I read smut in public to hide my crippling loneliness and depression more than anything. Also it's funny."

"You're, huh... Interesting, why now though, and why me?"

"Eh, your name came to mind today and I was interested by the idea of dating you even after a cold shower." 

Anko's face was slightly red- was a woman that walked around in a fishnet shirt and open jacket allowed to blush?

"I.. I see. Let's say I agreed, what would the date consist of?"

"Well, I'm not sure what kind of things you'd like, I think I'd like something somewhat relaxing for our first date." Because I wasn't a 100% or I'd offer a spar or maybe hide and seek with live weapons or something. 

Anko mouthed first apparently not noticing what she was doing as I continued amused, "I could cook you a nice meal- or better yet have a shadow clone cook it while we have a drink or two to relax- I kind of accepted three screw-ups of a genin team and could use the drinks to be honest. After dinner..." I shrugged, "We'll think of something, I'm playing this by ear." 

"You can cook?" Why did she have to sound so shocked?

"I have a red eye that records everything in full detail and I've watched some of the best of every profession to blend in on missions." I said with a shrug half-truthfully even.

"I.. Okay, fine, this is crazy but I ain't saying no to free food." She decided.

"Wonderful to hear, what would you like to eat?"

"Dango, and... I don't know, surprise me."

Alright, I can do that. Three clones went off into the night with some money.

"Why three?"

"One to come back immediately with booze, one to buy and make the food and the last to meet up with the Hokage and assure him I'm not going insane."

"That last one's going to be a bitch and a half to pull off, why do you need to do that anyway?" Harsh. Huh, she looked like she regretted saying it though.

I shrugged, "I may have threatened to kill my students a teeny tiny bit."

"Wait, students!?"

"Yeah, didn't I mention that before? They're brats but I think I can whip em into shape- hey, maybe you could help scare the lazy out of them?"

She grinned, "Sounds fun, how'd a guy like you end up with students?"

"Eh, one of them is almost family, another one of them is almost family if you squint with one eye, and the last came free with the other two." I said with a shrug.

"Huh. I'll be damned, Guy won the bet."

"Bet?" I asked confused.

"On when you'd pass a team, the sucker bet for you getting one every year and the odds have only increased, you've made him rich."

"Fucking what?"

"Yeah, he'll be thrilled, you should have held out, I bet that it'd take 10 failed teams for the Hokage to force you to pass whatever poor saps get stuck with a lazy-ass like you." I can't tell if she's just a bit of a bitch, teasing, flirting or trying to run me off, but it was more entertaining than a boring nice girl or worse, a fangirl.

"Eh, I'm feeling less depressed and more motivated today than I have in years, I don't think I'll stay a lazy-ass.. Though I may pretend for shits and giggles."

"Got your booze, get em while they're alcoholic!" My clone chimed in.

"Thanks... Uh, mind if I have him bring them inside?" I asked still standing in front of Anko's doorway.

"Oh, right, come in the both of you."

I followed Anko into the tower in the center of the forest of death taking the chance to stare at her rather plump assets. 

"Like what you see?"

"Yes, very much so." I admitted when caught.

"Good, my turn then, if you're going to date me you have to take it off."

I blinked, already?

"Your mask idiot!"

"Oh, that, I forgot I was wearing it." I pulled it off and Anko went silent, alarmingly silent and still.

Her shoulders were twitching lightly.

Wait... was she...

"Bahahaha! That tanline!"

I felt heat rising to my own cheeks a brief chakra control exercise nipping that in the bud.

"Yes yes, I suppose I'll have to work on my tan." I frowned, that'd be annoying.

"Don't bother, I could use me a laugh every now and then." 

I glared lightly at her making her double in laughter.

I grabbed the bottle of rice wine and started drinking.

The bottle was rudely snatched out of my hand and the rest went down the gullet of a smug Anko who shotgunned the entire thing.

"Beeeelch- ah, that hit the spot."

Seriously, why do the weirdest fucking things turn me on? Did someone cross some wires when they were combing souls and minds?

"So what about me got you interested? I ain't no polished girly-girl."

"Your give no-fuck's attitude, your sexy everything and the way you stick it to assholes."

"Huh. Expected the middle one at least.. Well if you're going nuts I ain't complaining any, despite the tanline, eh Tanline?"

I gave her a deadpan stare that made her break out into laughter. 

"I'm going to count your laughter as a win because it makes your breasts jiggle." I told her blatantly.

She laughed louder.

I flipped up my eye-patch.

She didn't object, so at least if nothing else I got some gold for the wank-bank permanently etched into my mind.

Flipping the patch back down her laughter eventually faded until she looked at me and started again-

"Are you drunk already? I thought you just had a high tolerance." I asked curious.

"Eh, a bit, what else ya got?"

I shrugged, if the woman wanted to get drunk who was I to stop her.

"Lets see.. ah, neat, mead, always wanted to try that." 

"Mead huh? The fucks that?"

"Honey alcohol... Hmm.. not bad, bit too sweet though."

"Giveme-" Bye bye alcohol, hello confusingly sexy loud belch. Seriously, what the fuck.

The knocking interrupted her getting even drunker, a good thing since she wobbled her way to the couch in her quarters allowing herself to trip into it with a drunken grace.

"I'll get it then why don't I?"

She giggled.

"Pizza delivery for an.. I.P Freely? Aw man!"

I snorted amused 'startling' the shadow clone.

"Oh, hey, here you go, pizza and dango, that'll be 20 yen-"

I killed him, it was okay, he already handed over the food.

I returned to find Anko snoring rather loudly on the couch.

I glared at my bulging pants, seriously, what the fuck?

"Anko. Anko, wake up food's here." She stubornly refused to wake. Cautiously (with a shadow clone) shaking the woman did nothing to rouse her- which seriously for a ninja is fucking weird, had she been so insecure and afraid of the prospect of a date she purposely drunk herself into a stupor or was she an alcoholic?

At least the pizza was good for having been the first one in the elemental nations, the dango wasn't bad either.

I grinned amused at the memories rolling in, the Hokage's amused disappointment in my teaching tactics but astounded delight that I was teaching at all was a treat, more was his utter shock when he learned I was a shadow clone and the real me was on a date with a snake. 

My grin faded at the sleeping woman as I considered what the fuck to do about it. 


End file.
